The Headmaster of Doom Read online

  Quickly the mothers hurried away, muttering things like ‘Oh my,’ and ‘Worthless? How dare he?’ and suchlike, whilst throwing furtive glances behind them. That made Dirk grin even more.

  ‘Only you could make babies cry while collecting money for charity,’ said Chris, shaking his head despairingly.

  ‘I know, fantastic, isn’t it?’ said Dirk.

  Chris gave him a long stare.

  ‘Oh come on, I just smiled at them!’

  ‘Well, don’t! We’ve got that charity fun run later too – try not to ruin that!’

  ‘Bah, running is never fun!’ said Dirk. ‘Well, unless you’re running someone down, of course.’

  The next day, Dirk and Chris were in Chris’s room, playing a computer game. The game was called Challenge of the Magi and it featured duelling wizards. Behind them, Sooz was reading the local paper out loud to them. This is what it said:

  ‘Well,’ said Sooz, ‘can’t say that interview went well!’

  ‘Eh? Why? Sounds fine to me,’ said Dirk.

  Sooz rolled her eyes. ‘Never mind,’ she said.

  ‘We raised a lot of money – more than we raised for the Youth Centre,’ said Chris.

  ‘The important thing is that they still count as Good Deeds, right?’ said Dirk.

  ‘Yup, so are you ready for the next one?’ said Sooz.

  Dirk groaned. ‘I suppose so. What is it?’

  ‘A charity called Dream Maker,’ said Sooz. ‘Local charity for sick kids. Raising money to make their dreams come true.’

  ‘What, the dreams of human children? What are they – free ice cream for all time? Meeting your favourite footballer? Singing with your favourite pop star? Bah, worthless dreams!’

  ‘Oh, come on, these are children with awful diseases and stuff – they need every kindness they can get!’ said Sooz.

  ‘Well, fair enough, I guess, I just wish their dreams were more interesting. Now my dreams, they’re something else. Launching a military coup and taking over Parliament! Having a massive statue built of myself as big as the Eiffel Tower, straddling London like a colossus! Sending a rocket to the moon and having my name tattooed on its face in massive letters of glowing steel so everyone can see it every night, up there in the sky! Or—’

  ‘All right, all right, we get the picture,’ said Sooz.

  ‘So, what’s the dream we have to make come true?’ said Chris.

  ‘Ummm…it’s a little boy who… Well, he wants to meet Ricky Roony, his favourite Premier League football striker.’

  ‘Hah, told you!’ said Dirk.

  Sooz, Christopher and Dirk stood in a ring, holding hands. Chris and Sooz had backpacks with their favourite things in them like Chris’s Chocolate Champions breakfast cereal, and Sooz’s MP3 player. Dirk had nothing but his evil intellect. And his ring.

  ‘So, are we ready, then?’ said Dirk.

  ‘I guess. Though I’m really not sure if what you did to that Ricky Roony counts as a Good Deed,’ said Chris.

  ‘He visited that kid, didn’t he?’ said Dirk. ‘Made his dream come true?’

  ‘Yeah, but what you call persuasion the police may well call something else…’

  ‘Whatever,’ said Dirk. ‘The end justifies the means, right?’

  ‘No, it doesn’t, not when it comes to doing Good Deeds,’ said Sooz.

  ‘Really? Well… I guess we’ll find out. Here we go!’ said Dirk. ‘I have completed three Good Deeds! By Virtue’s Power, take me to the Tower!’

  There was a flash and suddenly the three of them were standing on a white marble floor, inlaid with veins of turquoise blue. They were in the Entrance Hall of the White Tower! Around the edges of the vast, circular hall milled many people, queuing or remonstrating with the bureaucrats and officials of the Commonwealth of Good Folk who were sitting behind tables or in cubicles spread around the edges. This was where the daily administration of the Commonwealth of Good Folk went on. Several people nearby recoiled in surprise at the sight of them just appearing out of the blue.

  A martial figure, dressed in white armour with a white shield and a sword at his side, addressed them.

  ‘Who dares enter the hall using magic?’ he demanded.

  ‘That’s a Paladin of the Whiteshields,’ whispered Dirk to Sooz and Chris. ‘Let me deal with him!’

  ‘We have used the spell of Virtue’s Journey to travel here,’ he said to the Paladin, ‘which means we’re good guys, right?’

  The Paladin frowned. ‘Maybe,’ he said. ‘But aren’t you…you know, Dirk, the Dark Lord, the Evil One, who has possessed the body of a human child?’ The Paladin took a step forward, putting a hand on the hilt of his sword.

  ‘Possessed, no! It was your own leader, Hasdruban, who gave me this form. And in any case, we are at peace, the Darklands and the Commonwealth, aren’t we?’ said Dirk.

  ‘We may be at peace, but that does not allow the Dark Lord himself to enter the Tower!’ said the Paladin in increasingly heated tones. He began to draw his sword.

  ‘Hold, Bashar!’ cried a voice from behind.

  Stepping through the crowd towards them was another figure in white armour. ‘I will deal with this, my friend,’ said the figure, and he lifted the visor on his helmet.

  ‘Rufino!’ said Sooz.

  ‘Yes, my lady, welcome to the White Tower!’’ said the Paladin Rufino. Once Rufino had sworn allegiance to Sooz when she’d been the Moon Queen and ruler of the Darklands. Hasdruban had branded him a traitor for it, but that was before the peace, before things had changed so much. Now Rufino had been reinstated. He too travelled back and forth between earth and here, when he could. Dirk, Sooz and Christopher were like family to him now. He was also the drummer in Sooz’s band.

  ‘You know them?’ said Bashar.

  ‘I do, I can vouch for them,’ said Rufino.

  ‘But isn’t that the Dark Lord himself, in child form?’ said Bashar.

  ‘It is. But fear not, I will take them to the White Council immediately,’ said Rufino.

  ‘Well, all right then,’ said Bashar. ‘I will come with you.’

  Rufino nodded. ‘Come, then.’ He gestured for them all to follow. As they walked towards a pair of mighty oak doors, the entrance to the Council Chamber, Rufino and Sooz started to chat – about the latest song she’d written, ‘Love Under the Dark Moon of Sorrows’, and how she’d put in a drum solo for Rufino.

  ‘Cool,’ said Rufino. ‘I’ve had some new drums made too, it’s a unique sound. I’m calling it Medieval Drum ‘n’ Bass.’

  ‘Great, can’t wait to hear it, especially as I’m trying to create a new take on classic Goth Rock with the song. A new type of drum might help…’

  And so their conversation went. Bashar, who was sticking close to Dirk, looked down at him and frowned. ‘What are they talking about?’ he asked.

  ‘Hah, don’t ask me! These humans from earth are a crazy bunch, I can tell you. Makes you wish for the good old days when things were simple, doesn’t it? Enemies, for all time, implacably sworn to destroy each other and so forth. No such thing as drum ‘n’ bass!’

  Bashar nodded. ‘Aye, true enough, no mucking about back then!’

  ‘Now look at us. We’re probably going to be allies. And Goth Rock has come to the White Tower.’

  ‘The Rock Goth? Is that some kind of Stone Golem, raised up by evil magic?’ said Bashar.

  ‘Not so far from the truth, I reckon. But if I were you, I’d just forget about it,’ said Dirk. ‘Earth music – really, it’s not worth trying to work it out.’

  ‘Here we are,’ said Rufino, and he rapped portentously on the great doors of the Council Chamber of the Commonwealth of Good Folk with the hilt of his sword.

  A voice came from behind the doors.

  ‘Who disturbs the council in their deliberations?’

  ‘It is I, the Paladin Rufino. And I have the Dark Lord himself with me!’

  ‘Which one?’ said the voice.

  ‘What?’ said Rufino
.

  ‘Which one – is he a little Dark Lord or a big one? Answer the question!’

  ‘Umm…’ Rufino looked down at Dirk, who was beginning to look a little embarrassed.

  ‘Err…the little one,’ said Rufino.

  ‘Well, that’s a relief! Fine, come in,’ said the voice and the great doors began to swing open.

  ‘Bah, I’m the true Dark Lord, not that wretched upstart, whoever he is. How dare they call me little!’ muttered Dirk, clenching his fists and glowering angrily.

  ‘There, there, my friend, said Rufino, patting Dirk on the back. ‘I’m sure they’re still scared of you, really.’

  ‘Hey, you’re the One and Only, Dirk, the One and Only, we know that!’ said Chris soothingly. Dirk, always susceptible to a bit of flattery, unclenched his fists and stepped into the Council Chamber, a place he’d never expected to find himself in a thousand years. Well, not without being bound in chains first, anyway.

  The floor was marble, with a long carpet of white and gold thread that led up to a great table of white wood around which sat twelve white-robed humans.

  ‘Greetings, your Imperial Darkness,’ said a woman with her hair bound up in a white gold circlet studded with blue gems. She had startling green eyes. ‘I am Rosapina, the Chamberlain of the Tower, second in command only to Hasdruban himself. Your arrival is timely!’

  Dirk stepped up to the table, flanked by his friends. ‘So, you are aware of recent events?’

  ‘Indeed, there is a new Evil One in the Tower, and he has somehow managed to kidnap our leader,’ said Rosapina.

  ‘Hah!’ snorted a thin little fellow sitting next to her. ‘Hardly difficult now that he’s turned into a weakling milksop!’

  ‘Now, now,’ said an enormously fat lady on Rosapina’s other side. ‘We’ve been over this. Hasdruban is our rightful leader and that’s that!’

  ‘All very well, but the chances are Hasdruban is already dead, and we’ll have to appoint a new White Wizard, someone who can fight a resurgent Darkness!’ said the little fellow.

  A hubbub of voices rose up around the table, all arguing at once. Dirk shook his head. If only he’d known how they ran things around here! He could have defeated this rabble a hundred times over.

  ‘Silence!’ bellowed Rosapina in a surprisingly powerful voice.

  Everything went quiet.

  ‘We do not know the nature of this new threat, this new Dark Lord, this new plague of black-hearted horror that blights the dreams of men and elves. Let us hope he is not so foully evil and degenerate as the last one…’

  ‘Hey, right here!’ said Dirk.

  Rosapina hesitated. She nodded graciously at Dirk and went on. ‘As evil as the previous Dark Lord before he became…enlightened.’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ said the angry little man seated beside her.

  Dirk glared at him. He glared back.

  ‘Anyway,’ said Dirk, ‘I’m still officially the Dark Lord!’

  ‘That’s not what our scouts are telling us. Goblins and Orcs march to the tower, swearing fearful oaths of allegiance to the new Lord of Darkness… A great black fog belches up from the upper parapets of the tower to cover the sky in dark clouds. The borders have been sealed, our people who were brave enough to trade with the Darklands have been thrown out, their goods seized and the clothes literally torn from their backs, some of them subjected to some kind of new torture called “six of the best”.’

  ‘Six of the best? What the…?’ said Dirk.

  ‘Yes, and if they disobey they are threatened with 666 of the best!’ said Rosapina.

  ‘Wow, what’s going on?’ said Chris.

  ‘We do not know any more,’ said Rosapina. ‘Our scouts cannot get near for they are spotted nearly every time. There are magical boxes on poles that track the movements of anyone who approaches them!’

  Dirk frowned. ‘Earth technology?’

  ‘CCTV!’ said Sooz.

  ‘Wow, this is getting weirder,’ said Chris.

  ‘We think you can help us, your Imperial Dirkness,’ said Rosapina. ‘With your inside knowledge, perhaps you can sneak into the Darklands, find out who this new Dark Lord really is, what he wants, what his weaknesses are, if he has any, and what he has done with Hasdruban.’

  ‘Well, he sent me a letter, did Hasdruban,’ said Dirk.

  ‘What?’ said the angry man. ‘A letter to you, and not to us, his High Council?’

  ‘Indeed,’ said Dirk. ‘Hasdruban and I are… friends. Sort of. Anyway, he is still alive, although imprisoned in the Dungeons of Doom.’

  ‘The Dungeons of Doom? How awful!’ said Rosapina.

  ‘Don’t worry about it! I’m not going to sneak in – I’m going to blast my way in with my Ring of Power. I’ll blast this impostor off my throne and out of my tower, and send him on his way with his tail between his legs like the stinking dog that he is, whoever he is, and I’ll bring Hasdruban back with me!’

  With that, Dirk held up his hand with the Great Ring of Power on it, the Great Ring whose runes coruscated with flaming fire, burning with magical energy, the Great Ring that could unleash mighty bolts of ravening force against his enemies!

  Various White Councillors recoiled in horror, muttering and flinching, for the Great Ring had been their nemesis for hundreds of years.

  Except that the Great Ring wasn’t writhing with flaming runes or humming with energy like it usually did when it was in the Darklands. It was as quiet and as boring as it was when it was back on earth – just a simple band of metal.

  Dirk lowered the ring and stared at it. What was going on?

  ‘It seems your Great Ring has lost its power,’ said Rosapina.

  ‘Get him!’ yelled the little man, jumping up.

  ‘Yes,’ chorused several others, leaping up too. There was a chorus of voices saying stuff like ‘Get him whilst we’ve got the chance!’, ‘Kick him when he’s down!’ or ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!’ and so on.

  Several of the Paladins that lined the walls of the chamber moved forward, reaching for their swords. Dirk stepped back, his eyes widening in surprise. Rufino, Sooz and Chris, though, stepped up to protect him. Thank the Nether Gods for friends, Dirk thought to himself.

  ‘GET A HOLD OF YOURSELVES, YOU FOOLS!’ yelled Rosapina at the top of her voice. Everyone froze.

  ‘Can’t you see? He’s just a boy, a weak, pitiful human boy. What are we, child murderers now?’ continued Rosapina.

  Sheepishly, the councillors shuffled their feet, avoiding Rosapina’s gaze.

  Dirk frowned. Weak, pitiful human boy? Is that really how I look to them? he thought.

  ‘Look at him, he’s not our enemy any more!’ said Rosapina. Those councillors that had risen to their feet sat quietly down. The Paladins stood back.

  Now that he wasn’t in imminent danger of being torn to pieces, Dirk turned his attention to his ring. He rubbed it, caressed it. Spoke to it. But the ring was dead. Inert. Powerless. Dirk blinked up at the chamberlain, his face reddening with embarrassment again. She’s right, he thought to himself, that’s all I am now, a wretched kid, a hopeless human child. His days of dark glory were over.

  ‘Actually, that’s not true, he’s not weak,’ said Sooz. ‘He isn’t just an ordinary boy. He’s brilliant, he’s a genius! He could outwit any one of you.’

  Dirk stared at her, jaws agape.

  ‘Yup,’ said Chris. ‘He’s done the most incredible things since he’s been Dirk, and hardly any of them with the Ring.’

  ‘Indeed, I can vouch for the truth of this, my lady,’ said Rufino. ‘He is courageous, intelligent, resourceful and cunning, and would make for a formidable enemy even as he is, as a small boy.’

  Dirk’s heart swelled with pride. At last, the recognition he deserved!

  Rosapina narrowed her eyes. ‘But can he be trusted?’

  Rufino, Chris and Sooz exchanged looks.

  ‘Ah, well…’ stammered Rufino.

  ‘Ummm…let’s see now…�
�� flannelled Sooz.

  ‘Trust, hmm…well, it depends on how you define trust,’ muttered Chris.

  ‘Hey! Hey, right here!’ said Dirk.

  Rosapina folded her arms.

  Rufino put a hand up. ‘Actually, that’s the wrong question to ask, my lady. What I can say is that he is no longer truly Evil and once he has set himself a task he will never give up until it is completed or he has been destroyed. And I will swear to that on my oath as a Paladin!’

  Rosapina nodded slowly. ‘All right. Dirk still knows the Darklands, right? He’s our best bet to get in there, to find out the nature of this new threat, yes?’

  Rufino looked over at Dirk, who nodded, vigorously. ‘Agreed, yes,’ said Rufino to Rosapina.

  ‘Well, then, you and your friends will go to the Darklands and find out what’s what. Agreed?’ she said.

  Rufino looked at Dirk, Sooz and Chris. ‘Agreed?’ he said.

  ‘Agreed!’ they said.

  Rufino, Dirk, Chris and Sooz were gearing themselves up in the armoury of the White Tower. Well, the others were. Dirk was staring at the Great Ring.

  ‘You’re sure you didn’t swap it with a fake version or something, like last time?’ said Dirk.

  ‘NO!’ said Sooz and Chris together.

  ‘For the hundredth time,’ added Sooz, ‘that’s the real one.’

  ‘It certainly looks like it. But that means…’ Dirk’s words trailed off despairingly.

  ‘What does it mean?’ asked Rufino.

  ‘That means this usurper, the new Dark Lord… He must have sucked all the power out of it.’

  ‘How would he do that?’ said Chris.

  ‘By being truly the Evil One. By being the rightful Dark Lord,’ said Dirk

  ‘Ah… I see,’ said Sooz, putting a comforting hand on Dirk’s shoulder.

  ‘Which makes you…?’ said Chris.

  ‘It makes me Dirk Lloyd, a kid from earth. A nobody,’ said Dirk. ‘I’m not even the official Dark Lord any more!’

  Sooz frowned in thought. ‘Someone’s stolen that from you,’ she said to Dirk, trying to raise his spirits. ‘Isn’t it time you took back what’s yours?’